Day 17 Get Fit Challenge...hitting a motivational wall

Today was an off day so all I had to do were my two bouts of 35 minute cardio. I went ahead and did my morning session at the gym and then for my evening session I took the dog for a 3 mile walk around my brother's hilly neighborhood and I thought a lot. 

I am almost three weeks into this program and aside from being frustrated at my lack of progress (weight-wise) I'm bored and getting unmotivated. Also I really want people to stop asking me how I feel. I don't feel any different (well minus the constant soreness). No, I don't have more energy. No, my skin is not clearing up. No, my clothes aren't fitting any better. No, I haven't lost any weight. No, I don't feel better about myself. 

You really want to know how I feel? I feel the judging stares at me in the gym when I huff and puff and sweat my ass off even though I work harder than them. I feel self conscious all the time. I feel fat and ugly and worthless and an embarrassment to those around me.  I feel like I just want to shut the world out and curl up in a corner. I feel like a loser that has no job and no prospects for a job. I feel tired all the time. I feel like I am a huge disappointment to everyone I know. I feel alone and scared.  I feel like none of this is worth anything. And if I'm being honest it's not going to be if I can't get my head in the right place. 

Skinny isn't going to fix my problems. Skinny isn't going to find me a job. Skinny is probably not going to make me happy. I will always see some imperfection, some flaw, something that deams me less than. I'm not going to blame it on social media or being bullied in school or being on and off diets since I was 10 years old. Instead I'm going to do the adult thing and blame it on me. I am my own problem, and then in turn I should be my own solution. I just have to figure out how to deal with my issues and get over myself so that I can have a chance to be happy and actually live. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but hopefully with time I will eventually get to that place where I accept who I am flaws and all.