Day 89 Get Fit Challenge...Why is everything broken

So it's Sunday which means it's weigh in day. Sadly when I stepped on the scale this morning I only had lost a pound this week. Frustration and anger don't cover what I am feeling at the moment as it is more than that, but I just can't find the right words to describe it. I am kind of to the point now where I really feel like just saying, "F this I'm done!" You can only work so hard for so long with minimal results without feeling defeated and I am rapidly reaching that point. I just don't understand why this is extremely hard for me when it is easier for everyone else. I do so much more not only in the gym but diet restriction wise and the results I am seeing don't reflect the effort that I am putting in.

This of course did not motivate me at the gym this morning for my HIT and cardio workout and consequently it was a really hard workout. Since it ended up being a nice day the evening walk around the lake with Max was very pleasant since it wasn't so hot and humid. 

I have only part of the week this coming week to work out and really stick to the diet as I am flying to South Carolina for my "bachelorette" weekend and I am nervous about how well the diet plan will hold up there without having access to a gym or the pre-approved food. With the failure on the weight loss this week I am not really looking forward to the weekend anymore as I think all I will be thinking about is how I am not working out and eating correctly and how I am not losing weight like I should be. 

Day 79 Get Fit Challenge...closing in on 12 weeks

I am 5 days short of 12 weeks of being on this program. Originally one is only supposed to do this program for 12 weeks however, I am still miles away from my goal so it has been extended. At this point and taking into consideration I am taking September off from the program we are looking at this program lasting at least 19 more weeks or until the end of the year (basically 4 more months). Crap that's like 7 months of this program of two-a-days and no carbs and chicken all the freakin chicken!!!

As I look back at what I have accomplished so far it feels pretty good. Still as I reflect it is hard to not compare myself with others that have done this program before me and accomplished so much more. I am not seeing the transformation like they had, especially when I look at my mom's results.

At this point I really thought I would be a lot thinner. I have not kept up with goals that I had set for myself, which is disappointing to say the least. I have 45 days left until it gets to the point where I have to put a hold on losing weight because of the wedding. That is basically 5 weeks which is not enough time to be where I wanted loss wise. Even if I lost 3 pounds a week for the next 5 weeks that will only put me at 215 pounds (given that I lose 3 pounds this week). Granted that would be 45 pounds in 17 weeks, which when you stop and think about it is such a feat, but I was really hoping for more around the 60 pound mark at that point. 

With the wedding quickly approaching there is a lot of pressure to be this new thin person that is revealed and well that is not going to happen which feels like a major failure. I did not want to be a fat bride and that was a major driving factor in this endeavour, but sadly I will still be a fat bride which makes me really sad and angry. Hopefully this will only fuel me for the next 5 weeks and maybe by some miracle I can lose 5 pounds a week for the next 5 weeks and get a little closer to being at my target weight for the wedding. We shall see hopefully things don't back fire.

Day 17 Get Fit Challenge...hitting a motivational wall

Today was an off day so all I had to do were my two bouts of 35 minute cardio. I went ahead and did my morning session at the gym and then for my evening session I took the dog for a 3 mile walk around my brother's hilly neighborhood and I thought a lot. 

I am almost three weeks into this program and aside from being frustrated at my lack of progress (weight-wise) I'm bored and getting unmotivated. Also I really want people to stop asking me how I feel. I don't feel any different (well minus the constant soreness). No, I don't have more energy. No, my skin is not clearing up. No, my clothes aren't fitting any better. No, I haven't lost any weight. No, I don't feel better about myself. 

You really want to know how I feel? I feel the judging stares at me in the gym when I huff and puff and sweat my ass off even though I work harder than them. I feel self conscious all the time. I feel fat and ugly and worthless and an embarrassment to those around me.  I feel like I just want to shut the world out and curl up in a corner. I feel like a loser that has no job and no prospects for a job. I feel tired all the time. I feel like I am a huge disappointment to everyone I know. I feel alone and scared.  I feel like none of this is worth anything. And if I'm being honest it's not going to be if I can't get my head in the right place. 

Skinny isn't going to fix my problems. Skinny isn't going to find me a job. Skinny is probably not going to make me happy. I will always see some imperfection, some flaw, something that deams me less than. I'm not going to blame it on social media or being bullied in school or being on and off diets since I was 10 years old. Instead I'm going to do the adult thing and blame it on me. I am my own problem, and then in turn I should be my own solution. I just have to figure out how to deal with my issues and get over myself so that I can have a chance to be happy and actually live. I know it's not going to happen overnight, but hopefully with time I will eventually get to that place where I accept who I am flaws and all.

Day 14 Get Fit Challenge (pt 1)...Weigh In Day

So this morning I weighed in and I went from 260 pounds to 261.2 pounds so I gained 1.2 pounds in two weeks. Am I disappointed? Hell yes I am, but it is less than what I thought I had gained so I guess that is good. 

I think what I am struggling with about this first weigh in is that when my mother did this program she lost 7 pounds her first week only working out once a day. I am working out twice a day and I gained weight...talk about frustration. My brother says that it's not a big deal and that most people don't see weight loss till about the 4th week. I also know that I am not supposed to compare my body and the way it works to anyone else's but damn it's hard not to especially when your mother is on the line when you weigh in and then proceeds to lecture you about how you're not doing enough during the day and that you should get extra cardio in by walking for an hour or two or riding a bike in between morning and evening workouts. 

Long story short I feel like I have failed. There were a lot of expectations with me going into this from the get go and I haven't lived up to any of them yet. Hopefully this is not the trend for the next 17 weeks.

Day 5 Get Fit Challenge...it's so frustrating!

Well I thought today was going to be good, got through my morning HIT workout and cardio, wasn't feeling super sore, then tonight's weightlifting session blew all of that out of the water.

I am so frustrated with my upper body and it's failures at life....

All I want to is a part of my upper body to function correctly. None of this 'your shoulders are weak so you're compensating with your deltoids and you're not doing bicep workouts correctly so your forearms are compensating.' I mean it's great to know these things, but then having to work extra hard to correct these bad habits that come naturally is going to take a lot of focus.

Cardio tonight was 15 minutes of slow hell on the stair stepper...I loathe that machine and all it's stupid floors.

No off day tomorrow so it's bad to the gym in the morning for a HIT workout and another round of weightlifting tomorrow night with a focus on legs because now that I am able to move around without taking 5 years it's time to bring back all that soreness.

No positive motivation tonight...end of vent.